dispatches from the sideline
Covering the Emotional Wreckage of American Sports, One Mascot at a Time
All Stories and the Archive
Every report filed. Every tear documented.
Following UConn's stunning upset of the No. 1 seed Blue Devils in the Elite Eight, the Duke mascot was discovered in a maintenance hallway twelve minutes after the final buzzer, still in full regalia, reviewing the box score on his phone like there might be an error.
The Cleveland Browns mascot was found in the parking lot of an all-night diner, clutching a rolled-up copy of the team's 2024 schedule. He refused to leave until someone validated his parking.
The New England Patriots mascot has reportedly been unable to update his contacts app for over a year. His last text to Belichick reads: 'hey r u watching the game.' It was never delivered.
The Carolina Panthers mascot has entered what a team spokesperson called 'an understandable period of recalibration,' which is PR-speak for 'he's up there and he won't come down.'
The Philadelphia Flyers mascot has been ordered to attend six sessions of court-mandated emotional regulation therapy. He showed up to all six. He brought snacks. He bit the therapist on the second visit.
The Chicago Bears mascot began therapy in October after the team fired its head coach mid-season. He has since missed zero sessions, taken up journaling, and cried in a Buffalo Wild Wings twice.
On Opening Day of the franchise's first season as the Cleveland Guardians, the retired caricature staged a one-logo protest outside Progressive Field and accused Slider of 'mascot privilege.' Slider had no comment. Slider was inside, doing his job.
